Lost in the Woulds
If you’ve seen the Disney movie Inside Out, you know you’ve got the makings of a committee up in your head. The idea has even been written up in therapy as Internal Family Systems. The movie depicts only five characters up there—spoiler alert, it is way more crowded.
My first experience of identifying my ‘committee’ was while at Onsite, a treatment center in Dickson, Tennessee. (Before you jump to conclusions, I was there for a week observing the program (sure Mike) in hopes I’d send clients their way which I have done). They encouraged us to go into detail describing each figure up there in your head giving them a name along with their personality, what they look like, even costuming/clothing.
In most theories of personality there is what is described as a ‘critical parent’. Usually one of your parents but it can be someone else closely involved in your life. They are the one who rode you constantly, often with criticism and/or sarcasm telling you what you’ve done wrong at every turn. Rarely if ever is there a positive word or affirmation crossing their lips. They are the ones that will remind you frequently that you’ll never amount to anything. They are destroyers of self confidence with a gift of belittling.
I named my critical parent ‘Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda, Oughta’ (say fast) He is very tall, pitted face from horrid acne, long greasy hair, thick torso with his arms always crossed across his chest. Staring down his large nose, he’s always scowling. He starts every sentence with “You should have” or “You could have” or “If you would have” or “You ought to have”—just a real arse.
The committee in your head is an excellent tool for your own tool box. I spent the first several decades of my life ‘lost in the woulds’ until I began to identify this particular voice. When I learned I could confront him—grow a pair as they say—and tell him to shut up, a whole new life began. When we were young we needed someone to set parameters/limits but as adults we mature—or should (catch that? I just ‘shouldst’ on you) and can assume that responsibility ourselves. Even when young, guidance can be offered in more effective ways without destroying the core of a child.
There are echos of this critical parent from society, the church, where we’re employed. You might be married to one. There is law enforcement like him, as there are priests, preachers, teachers and employers with the same tack. When in those situations, our own 'Shoulda, coulda, woulda, oughta’ is easily triggered. I still hear him ever so often. The others of ‘us’ listen to see if there is any worth to what he’s saying, then tell him to scoot his chair back from the table and shut up.
Still in the woulds? The committee in our heads is a grand tool to blaze a trail out.
As a counselor, I’ve found myself saying the same things repeatedly to clients. So, at the encouragement of good friends, particularly Harold Ivan Smith and Barbara Johnson (more recently my Silas Robert and then Carmen Berry), here is a blog of my thoughts over the years. Harold is still around as I edit this 2001 entry as are Robert and Carmen. Barbara has been gone now several years. She was a great help to so many by just opening her life up to others. So in an effort to do similarly, as honest and transparent as I can…here are multiple entries.
(I have left dates on my writings since I have always wished King David would have ‘carbon dated’ his Psalms so we’d know the order in which they were written. In my naivety I thought the Psalms that cried out with his troubles to God were the older ones. The Psalms of praise and wonder were the last. NOPE. They were more likely morning and afternoon of the same day. If you personally have not had days like that…you must be on something. It was great comfort to me to see that David cycled…he was not always up on the mountaintop. He’s one of the first I hope to see in the next realm—if he’s still doing book signings by then).
First writing 9/9/2001
Edit 2/27/2021