MATES

It was on our first trip to Italy that I was still carrying a heavy 35MM camera with all the lenses.  I’d paused to take a photo and asked a fellow on the tour standing near me if he could hold my stuff.  He and his wife were from Australia and in that accent responded, “Can do! Mate!” in an uplift of a tone.  I asked if I could clone him to take him back home with me.  His ‘can do’ attitude was so attractive.   

Then last Sunday afternoon I was sitting doing a puzzle on my iPad when I got a call.  He’d intended to text but hit the wrong button—been there, done that. My first thought was it was a butt dial when I saw his name since I’d not talked to him in a long while, but I answered.  He is a fellow who began as a client nearly twenty years ago, now married with two kids.  He was in a bad headspace and feeling he had no one to talk to about the thoughts flowing through his mind, he thought of me since I pretty well know the whole story (although we never totally do).  We spent a hour and a half on the phone.  He was resisting trying to find a therapist (which even having been a therapist for decades, I agree a search can be a real crap shoot),  He did not want to be encouraged to do something he’d regret later.  Then he thought of the religious circles he is in and knew their advice would likely be platitudes of reading more Bible and praying longer.  So we talked.

Along the way I encouraged him more than once to find some mates that he could share openly, honestly with.  That might mean seeking out one of the many recovery groups that are out there. Unless you are still in denial, we ALL are in recovery from something.  Decades ago I was in LA and someone mentioned he had to slip out of our meeting to get to his FA group.  I asked, “what is FA?”.  “Fundamentalists Anonymous”, he replied.  My first impulse was to ask if I could go with him. 

Sadly, churches are sorely lacking as safe places to share honestly.  Too often under the guise of “I share this again as a prayer concern” confidence is breached in a thin disguise for gossip.  Finding trusted confidents is a challenge but worth the search.  

For most of my life since high school years, I have had great mates.  Guys who I could be open, deeply honest with.  Yes, there are a few times when confidence was not respected. One men’s group I was in was blown up by one member telling his wife what he’d heard in confidence, she took it on herself to spread what she’d heard.  For her, it was the truth at any cost yet truth is a two edged sword and can be brutal—cutting someone to pieces. Discerning the timing to tell the truth in love is the key. Our group was no longer safe for any of us and fell apart.  

Trust is a primary pillar of all relationship.  The fact that I have been lucky enough, blessed enough, to have these different men in my life over my lifetime may have had something to do with my choice of careers.  Initiating such relationship can be fearful to start.  Telling someone something they could use against me is dangerous.  But what I’ve found most often, my disclosure throws open the door for them to share deeply as well.  Our relationship takes a deep dive—we no longer paddle around on the surface—taking off the masks that we all wear much of the time.  

I still have several guys in my life with that level of honesty, a level of openness that is shared both ways. I have been a wealthy man knowing as a therapist that many men go through life with not one such relationship.  Life is lonely, very lonely unless you do find relationship.   The loneliness drives social media yet relationships on those apps are most often surface.  The loneliness drives some to suicide. It drives many to an addiction of some sort—and we ALL have addictive personalities whether you are ready to admit that or not.  Even religion can become an addiction—a totally outward, surface manifestation with no actual inner transformative relationship with the Eternal.  

 So, today I am very grateful for my mates.  However it came to be for me, the stumbling along, the anxiety—I am grateful.  

I want that for the fellow on the phone too.