SPENT! Frustrated, (angry & honest)
A few days in my crazy life winter of 2014
The last few days have been tough. Tough in that I was reminded in two situations that hateful bigotry is alive and well in people claiming to be Christian.
A mother came to a session shortly after Christmas saying her adult gay son had 'ruined Christmas’. I suggested a family session inviting the son to come too. We met for nearly two hours. The mom had been in our local Spatula group for years yet I wasn't prepared for the display I was about to witness. She came close to being the most obnoxious parent of a gay son or daughter I’ve ever met in my twenty-seven years of doing the parents group. My hope was to keep a conversation going in order that they might actually communicate. At their family Christmas dinner a family member had brought up a television show and a segment where they were deriding the gay lifestyle and gays. The dinner ‘discussion’ went south, was misconstrued on both sides and quickly escalated to the point that the son felt his only option was to leave. Later the son owned his part yet after I watched the family drama play out in my office, I feel for certain that at the dinner he did what he needed to do.
His mother kept declaring belief in the whole Bible as the inspired and literal word of God (saying that her son was picking and choosing only parts of the Bible—she wasn’t?) She declared many times that homosexuality is sin but then added once "we all sin". She said being gay alone is not going to send you to hell any quicker than other sin—but as she spoke (or preached) she used a lot of finger—her right index finger waving in the air...usually pointed at her 30-something son. I 'pointed' out the use of her finger and how emphatic that made her statements. The son repeated more than once how much he loved his mom and his dad...she said she loved him but reiterated that she would never, ever accept her son bringing any partner home. He asked "Do you know what a dangerous position that puts me in?" I asked to take a shot at explaining what he meant. I told his parents that it puts him in a very lonely place. Since he loves his parents he feels guilty for acting on being gay. Like heterosexuals, gay men need to date. Relationships make for happier, healthier and more secure individuals—gay or straight. Her response was "Oh, so you're blaming me!" What was in the back of my mind all the time was her son's attempted suicide a few years before. I was watching play out what likely drove him emotionally to reach that point of desperation. The mom at one point added "I wish you had another mother!”. Then later added a cutting remark "Well then, divorce me!" (I’ve thought several times over the years I did wish kids could divorce extremely unhealthy parents). He told her it was obvious she is ashamed and embarrassed at having a gay son. She failed to hear much of anything her son said flipping nearly everything around about herself, playing the victim.
It was when he confronted her language as being hateful—and I agreed saying: "it did sound hateful to me too" that she jumped up from the sofa, grabbed her purse, waved her arms in the air, yelling that if that's what we thought then she's out—slamming my office door so hard that the pictures on the wall danced around. The son, the dad and I just sat there for in silence for a moment. The son apologized for his mother which is likely what he's done all his life. The dad who had been very quiet said, “this is what I've dealt with” for years—which was revealing but also indirectly supportive of his son. I'd recently seen the movie August, Osage County and this mother was a version of Meryl Streep...controlling everyone in the family with her self-righteousness and her infallible, unquestionable interpretation of the Bible. Streep emasculated the men around her—as did this mother.
All this brought back a memory after I'd finished seminary and was at the University of Texas in the graduate school of social work. I'd just begun my year long placement at John PeterSmith Hospital in Fort Worth and was doing a rotation at Elmwood Psychiatric Hospital. In my first staffing the psychiatrist required staff to take the Bibles away from all the patients…at the time I was shocked. Now I totally get it. When the Bible is used abusively to bludgeon ourselves or others with fear, hate mongering and shame, it has to be addressed and even removed for a season.
I never saw this mom again. I sent her an email to follow up and heard nothing. I was likely cast into the liberal, heretically evil crowd and written off.
Life has shown me that we become the God we serve. The God we know. She apparently knows little of the loving God I know. Her son thankfully knows a different God that hers. He said he's in a better place with God than he's ever been in his life. Ironically, he's found the God of love and grace...which I think his dad also may know. The father was pleased to hear his son talk more. I pray they continue their conversations as father and son safely away from the wife/mother.
I followed up with the son to check on him. He apologized again. As for the mother, I’m sure she's fine in her certainty about everything, so golly gee, what would there be for her to be concerned about? (FYI, I’m owning my sarcasm and anger.)
Moving on to another situation at our elders meeting on Thursday we listened to a sermon by a popular preacher here in Franklin preaching against our church and our teaching. In his 'these are perilous times' sermon series he too depended on fear to lock his parishioners in their seats emphatically saying that they need to stand on the Bible alone with the clear implication he was more than willing to interpret for them. As we shut the recording off I had such a mix of feelings—it was like turning the clock back five decades preaching of the same perilous ends times and fear of hell I recall as a young adult. The stakes are high here but for different reasons. Discernment of the Truth is never easy. Jesus himself said they hated me, they will hate you. Truth does transform our lives and the world but it also splits and divides at times from what and who we hold dear. The arc upward of justice, mercy and love rises painfully slow. Another has said, truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable. Today I am close.
Next, Saturday morning just after six-o-clock my personal cell phone rang (I rarely gave that number out to clients). It was a man I'd seen over a number of years who's in a very public position here in town. He'd spent the night in jail with a DUI (first time) at the hands of the legal system that is his own business as a lawyer. He was beside himself with fear and anxiety. He'd just got out, no one else knew about it yet and he was fearing all the worst. I 'talked him off the ledge' assuring him of how often his peers had gone through the same or similar experiences. We talked about who he could call. I'd met one of his peers years ago while at the non-profit who now goes to my church. I've sensed a good spirit within this man. I suggested my client call him. He could not see his way clear to do so. Then later that afternoon he called to say, “you'll never believe who called”. It was the peer I'd mentioned who had been contacted by the one guy that my client did call. It's always affirming when your intuition is confirmed.
Then, with my emotional reserve bouncing on 'E', early Sunday morning we had another episode of vasovagal syncope at home, Jeannie was sick at her stomach and passed out twice. It is difficult to convey what those moments are like. Unless you've been in such a situation with your spouse so totally dependent on you, I’m not sure how easy it is to understand. My friend David Hampton understood and has been great support in that he cared for his wife, Trish, with MS for almost twenty years. The helplessness of holding up the dead weight of someone until they come to while trying to deal with all else that goes on when someone goes unconscious is consuming—then all the while trying to keep thoughts of the worst from taking over your mind. This is not new. We've been dealing with this for twenty plus years. But recent experiences have seemed to ramp up. Like the occasion that I pulled tothe side of interstate 840 when before I could get around the car she rolled out of the door face first into the graveled roadside gashing her head open. Then there was the occasion last July of our trip to Scandinavia where she passed out five times on the flight over for a very long eight hours. In that situation its about not only trying to take care of her but explaining to those around us that are freaking out as to what is happening. Few have even heard of vasovagal syncope. To an observer it looks similar to a heart attack or a stroke. Some may even wonder why we would take a trip with such a health condition. She is mentally 'not there' during one of the episodes. There is a version of postictal state as her body and mind tries to recover. Early this Sunday was just a reminder of what we as a couple continue to live with—but with my low reserves it only served to feed my catastrophizing thinking.
I realize all of us deal with fears, particularly as we get older (which I am officially now in that I went on Medicare on Saturday). Other friends/peers close to me are dealing with tough and tougher situations. Don out in OKC had half his stomach removed yesterday after dealing with months of chemotherapy.
Linda up in Kentucky is struggling with arteriosclerosis and Alzheimer-like memory problems. And that's just starters in my own little world.
My dad was right....I am sensitive. My heart bleeds for the gay son and for his family that is subjected to this mother who believes so sincerely that she is so right and on the mark, so much so that she's willing to sacrifice her son on her altar of arrogance...and anyone else that does not agree with her. (I see all those ‘so’s)
My heart shares Don and Linda's situations and my love and prayers travel across the miles.
Similarly I bleed for those people sitting under this preacher across town. Such men are their own demise...yet they wound so many others in the process. But, maybe, just maybe those hundreds in his congregation will come to experience that he is the counterpoint of the true living, loving, merciful Father. Contrasts serve a purpose...I hate to admit. It has worked that way in my life.
Oh heavenly Father, yet you are a Spiritual Father that is not only Heavenly, but has promised that you dwell within each of us, that your Kingdom has been and will always be within us, may Your kingdom come in all its true power and glory, in my heart, in the hearts of all men....and in the heart of one particular mother I know. May Heaven come down. Today I'll even settle for just a piece of it.
