Transparency

Just finished the book The Power of Moments by brothers, Chip and Dan Heath, a NY Times bestseller.  It’s been an interesting read talking about “why certain experiences have extraordinary impact”—the subtitle.  As writers they are focused on improving things in the workplace but it made me think of the application of the same principles in our personal lives.  

For me, the interest (or longing to connect) goes back to my college days.  I was particularly interested with the work of Syndey Jourard, The Transparent Self, so much so that I considered doing graduate work at Florida State where he was a professor. Then and now, I have always been one for fewer but deeper friendships.  Some would refer to me as ‘intense’—or even ‘overwhelming' on occasion. My thoughts then are, ‘they’ are satisfied with shallower connections.  I could analyze myself until pigs fly around how I got to my preference for the deeper concluding that it’s the usual combination of nature and nurture. Neither of my parents were that verbal.  I was.  So it may just have been a desire for more from them.  One of my therapists observed “you were emotionally abandoned by both”.  Maybe, but whatever the reason, I am who I am.  

As an adolescent it played out in a common teenage way, as a weekend approached if there were no plans, the world was coming to an end.  So, when talk of planning something came up, I often was the one to pull it together.  As a kid I had two close friends, the three amigos.  Dennis and Kelvin lived down the street.  We played together lots.  It was a typical threesome though at times it was one man out, the other two teaming up against him.  

Either Dennis couldn’t afford the Zorro costume or he was our prisoner as Kelvin said when he sent me this photo a few years ago.

When I got into high school, I met another friend, David, my sophomore year.  We had many similar interests and began to hang together much of the time.  We were roommates in college for three years which ended as a result of me exiting engineering and he’d got into a serious relationship which ultimately became his wife.  Observing our friendship, some others, his father included, thought we might be gay.  Jealousy maybe?  Envy? 

The exit from engineering plunged me into psychology, social work and ministry—with a fair amount of self motivation for personal discovery operating under the surface.  I realize now how little any real consciousness of what motivated me was ever there, or even possible during those years of my life.  All the under-grad and graduate education did give me tools to probe and analyze the haunting questions of why was I like I was.

The Heath brothers do a good job of analyzing the nature of intimate relationships (not talking sexual here).  Life is a pretty lonely experience.  Even scripture says that we work out our own ‘salvation’ individually, we are not fathered in on the coattails of our parents.  In the loneliness, we seek but then fear connection often with the haunting thought: “if they only knew, they would avoid me from here on”.  So we live with our ‘secrets’.  It is only when we meet someone who opens up, becomes vulnerable, becomes transparent, or we do, that the pump is primed so to speak.  Reciprocity is the key to connection. 

Most of us have had the occasion on a flight where after initially introducing ourselves, the seat mate pops in their ear buds or grabs a book sending a clear message, I want no more conversation, no connection.  On other occasions, I have had conversations that went the entire flight.  Maybe it is because its very likely you’ll never see this person again, there was a level of honesty, vulnerability unlike most other relationships—even more vulnerable than our most primary relationship as Heath brothers suggest.  (I too have been the one to recoil from lengthy plane conversation especially if I’d been asked “what do you do?” And I admitted that I was a therapist/counselor. In that situation, I’ve seriously thought of replying, ‘plumber’.) 

It is when we get feedback, reciprocity that depth increases.  Social media and marketing plays us constantly with a ploy of plastic connection.  How many likes did your post get?  How many hits on your blog?  Even Amazon regular sends me a question, “How’d we do?” with the delivery.  We’re asked consistently for feedback.  The problem is, we rarely ever hear back if anyone ever read it or cared to say, thank you.  It is driven by our loneliness, our desire for linking up (LinkedIn yet another platform to get sucked into). Think of the times you are screaming into the phone, “representative!”—for a flesh and blood person. 

Maybe these ramblings are about my age?

All this to say, it’s about reciprocity.  We’re all just coming out of a pandemic that isolated us in major ways.  One secret of making it through was staying connected in whatever ways we could.  Thank heavens for the internet.  But these days—after reading the Heath brothers, when I find I am doing the lions share of the reaching out, sending the text messages/emails to try and stay in touch, I am backing off.  It may be a swell of self pity, insecurity or pride on my part, but I dare say everyone likes to be checked in on, cared for (short of a mom calling twelve times a day or a stalker).  Texting does provide a quick way of staying in touch—minimally.  A couple of seconds response, one of the choices in holding your finger on the text at least lets the sender know you saw it, maybe even read it.  My insecurity or ever probing mind breeds the thought: “my texting/emails are a bother and you’d rather not get them”.  Busy is no excuse anymore, everyone is.  I am surprised how busy I can stay in retirement.  The truth: people respond when it’s a relationship that holds some importance.

Great friendships are mutual, not one sided. Life has shown me those relationships are not that frequent.  Another of my reads right now (Second Wind by Dr. Bill Thomas) is reminding me we live within societies and cultures that are toxic towards connection.  Being overwhelmed with work or life in general—or drowning in the constant noise of the culture are common excuses for isolating and disconnecting.  Abuse from past relationships can be another reason for being gun-shy.

My relish for Jourard’s work has not wained over this half century.  As I did many men’s groups over the years and saw scores of male clients, I was often told, women do therapy, men do not.  Never the case with my practice.  But I learned in the groups, I was often the one who needed to go first, to model—the one who got vulnerable, who pulled the curtain back to expose myself to the others.  Then, like a flood, the gates would open and others began to pour their hearts out.  

At the close of the group, there would be such a bond that leaving was painful to near tears—again, this is a men’s group.  The question was often asked, where do I go now that this experience is over to find such connection?  My answer, YOU are the one who now primes the pump in the circles and relationships you run in.  

Pass it along.  Face the fears, be vulnerable, get transparent and reciprocate.     

As a counselor, I’ve found myself saying the same things repeatedly to clients.  So, at the encouragement of good friends, particularly Harold Ivan Smith and Barbara Johnson (more recently my Silas Robert and then Carmen Berry), here is a blog of my thoughts over the years.  Harold is still around as I edit this 2001 entry as are Robert and Carmen.  Barbara has been gone now several years.  She was a great help to so many by just opening her life up to others.  So in an effort to do similarly, as honest and transparent as I can…here are multiple entries. 

(I have left dates on my writings since I have always wished King David would have ‘carbon dated’ his Psalms so we’d know the order in which they were written.  In my naivety I thought the Psalms that cried out with his troubles to God were the older ones.  The Psalms of praise and wonder were the last.  NOPE.  They were more likely morning and afternoon of the same day.  If you personally have not had days like that…you must be on something.  It was great comfort to me to see that David cycled…he was not always up on the mountaintop.  He’s one of the first I hope to see in the next realm—if he’s still doing book signings by then).

First writing 9/9/2001

Edit 2/27/2021